Regrets

Dear Tommy,

Until this month I had convinced myself that I only have one true regret in my life, that I did not take the opportunity to study abroad when I had the chance. I ignored the opportunity to learn from my mistake each time a friend returned from a semester abroad with tales of excitement and adventure. My fear of missing out on good times with family and friends kept me here for nine consecutive semesters.

Now I realize that I was making another mistake that is my real true regret in life during many of those same semesters in college. I regret that under pressure from my parents I agreed to sign up for the “substance free” floor of the dorm that we ended up random roommates in ten years ago. I never had any intention of keeping a pledge to be substance free. If you did, it was never discussed.

We became the best of friends. Over the next three years as roommates we enjoyed concerts and hockey games, disc golfing and foosball. Each one of these events an excuse to be with friends...and drink heavily.

I was never concerned about the heavy drinking. We had friends that swore off drinking for a month, to prove to themselves they could do it. I knew I didn't need to prove it to myself. Did you tell yourself the same thing? We were both successful, functional people. You were a referee for local youth hockey teams and got accepted to the pharmacy school. I student taught and coached.

I remember one night from our sophomore year – I would like to claim I remember it clearly, but sadly I don't remember much clearly from that year – when I should have realized the dangerous path we were traveling down. I wish that I could have had a serious conversation about it with you. But as we both know, serious conversations are a rarity with me. I regret that the way that I dealt with it is how I deal with everything that is serious in life. We joked about it between ourselves, and I with others. “Hey guys, guess what Tommy needs in order to be able to sleep these days? His teddy bear, a nightlight and a couple shots of Captain as a nightcap.”
How receptive would you have been to me suggesting that you had a drinking problem? Can you imagine hearing that from the guy who drank more days in any given month than days he was sober? I imagined the conversation many times, yet we never had it because each time I convinced myself that the hypocrisy was too much.

I regret that we didn't talk about the issue before I moved 150 miles away. Common friends and acquaintances dropped hints that they thought you might have a problem as the years went by. Finally your girlfriend took on the task that I found impossible and confronted you about your problem...and you agreed with her. How long did you think you had a problem? Were you hoping we could continue to dance around the issue, or were you wondering why the hell I didn't confront you?

I regret that it took an EMT finding you with a B.A.C. Of .43 this month for me to realize that you have been getting worse for the past three years instead of better. I regret the relief that I felt when your wedding was postponed indefinitely while you and your fiance work out the issues that were brought on by your drinking.

Regrets. I have tried to atone for my mistake of not studying abroad by traveling extensively since college, but I will never be able to make up for that lost time. We will never be able to either.